


Not Alone, Never Alone

by spjderloki



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Comicverse), Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Gen, Hurt Peter Parker, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Precious Peter Parker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-30
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-07-20 11:48:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16136615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spjderloki/pseuds/spjderloki
Summary: a little something i wrote while feeling anxious.it gets better.





	Not Alone, Never Alone

**Author's Note:**

> **TRIGGER WARNINGS** :  
> \- Descriptions of panic/anxiety  
> \- Self-Harm and scars mentioned and slightly described  
> \- Suicidal thoughts mentioned  
> Don't read this if you think it might trigger you! Stay safe. <3

Outside, it’s raining like never before. The raindrops splash against the living room windows, and the scent of books and coffee makes Peter feel homey.

_ Too _ homey.

He would call. He easily could. Picking up the phone, though, seems like the hardest thing to do at that time. At any time. And don’t even get me started on actually dialling the numbers and talking.

He shakes his head, frustrated. He’s actually a superhero but, right there and then, he’s not anything but a coward. He hated to feel like that, fear and anxiety running through and through inside his body, up and down his chest and veins. He feels inexplicably weak, which just upsets him even more. What’s going  _ on  _ with him?

He grunts and, eventually, the screen on his phone lightens up. 9:56 p.m. No wonder he’s so hungry. He feels like ordering pizza, so he picks up the device, enters the passcode and starts scrolling through the contact list. May, MJ, Teddy from Chem, Mr Rogers, Ned…

_ Ned. _

“Oh, screw it,” he says, giving up, and finally pushes the button.

“Hello?” And his voice is so soft and he wants to cry because it has been a month and a half since they last ever spoke and he had missed it all too much. “Um. Peter? Is this- Are you there?” He wants to say  _ something _ , but his voice is gone. The lump on his throat has grown too much already and all he can think off starts with  _ I _ and ends with  _ you _ . “Okay, uh… I’m gonna hang up, just- I don’t know. Um, bye…”

“No, wait,” He finally speaks, and it’s just a teeny tiny thread of voice but he’s talking, and it’s better than nothing. “Please, don’t- don’t hang up. Please.” Is it normal that he already wants to toss his phone across the room and  _ run _ ?

Silence.

“Okay,” He hears and sighs. He’s not crying. Yet. “What’s going on?”

“I am- um. Right now? Like- what’s going on with  _ me _ ?”

_ Oh my God stop spiralling stop spiralling stop- _

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Oh,  _ no _ . “What did I ever do to you?”

_ No Ned that’s not what I meant _

“That’s not- It’s not like- I’m not-  _ Please _ .” What is he even begging for?

“Listen, I’m not… I can’t do this right now, okay? It’s not like  _ I _ chose to do  _ this _ ,” He starts talking again, and though his voice fills the emptiness on his chest, his words hurt him even deeper. “ _ you _ did that to yourself. And to me, and to MJ, and to everyone. And, to be perfectly candid, I can’t deal with this- with  _ you _ , right now. Sorry.”

_ Please don’t hang up please don’t hang up please Ned don’t leave please- _

But he does.

Peter drops his phone and leans on the nearest wall right before his knees give up. Two seconds later, he’s on the floor, and the room is filled with  _ pain _ .

_ Please make it go away please I can’t do it I can’t lose him I can’t let him go I don’t wanna be alone anymore I want him I want them I’m lost please _

He sobs out loud and feels how the air starts to lack inside his chest, but can’t get himself to breathe. Space starts to feel smaller and smaller like the walls are caving in, and the cold floor beneath him makes it all even worse.

_ This is your fault you did this to yourself you hurt them you don’t deserve them you don’t deserve him _

His mind is going too fast and Peter can’t keep up while he senses everything around him and, at the same time, nothing at all. Like he lost sight and won perception, which only makes him more and more anxious.

_ I can’t be alone again I hate this I hate it I need someone please I can’t do this anymore _

He reaches out and tries to grab his phone, but with an unsteady movement accidentally lets it fall to the floor.  _ It’s okay _ , he thinks. But it so isn’t.

He has only Ned and May on speed dial. He can’t call May, no, she’s at work and he can’t disturb her- not again. He can’t call Ned. But he can’t be alone.

  
  


Ned’s phone is ringing once again, and he sighs before lifting it like it’s the heaviest thing in the world. His face darkens when he reads  _ Petey<3  _ on the screen but doesn’t dare to let the call pass. “What do you want, Peter? Did I not make myself clear?” And it hurts him to be that cold, but what choice does he have?

He hated it, treating the one person he cares the most about like a piece of trash, but  _ what choice does he have? _

He shouldn’t feel wrong, not after everything they’ve been through, not after suffering as he did because of  _ his  _ choice. The choice that changed it all inside him, the choice that broke them. He’s sad and upset and he’s so mad at Peter for leaving, for pushing him away, because he actually misses him so much - he shouldn’t, but he does. And that makes him feel so angry and impotent.

But he hears it, and it all fades away.

He holds his phone against his ear and hears a shaky breath. His face turns pale as he looks at MJ in front of him.

“Peter?” He asks, and the tone of his voice tells Michelle everything, for they both know the situation way too well. She stands up as fast as she can.

“N-N-Ned, I… I…” He can’t even finish, because he’s not breathing and he’s crying too much, and Ned’s heart rate speeds up like crazy.

“Where are you?” He asks while he grabs his keys and meets Michelle at the elevator.

“I-I can’t, I can’t do this”

“Pete, listen to me. Where are you?”

“Home” Ned’s hands are shaking as he closes the door behind him, and Michelle warns him about the rain but he doesn’t care, and honestly, neither does she, so they run as fast as they can. They run, and Ned silently begs that they’ll make it in time.

  
  


He tries but the air isn’t enough. He pushes himself to the limit and does his best to get out of the situation his own mind had put him into. He cries and shakes in fear of being left out. He sobs to the idea of his friends leaving him alone. He’s scared of losing them, just like —he  _ knows _ — he’s lost everyone else. He’s not trying to be a burden. He wants to be as joyful and calm as everyone else, and not to be always on the edge of panic. He wishes happiness and a stress-free life. He can’t have that. He can’t reach out for help, he’s constantly screaming in a pillow because he’s too afraid of being heard. He can’t let his friends go away.

He tumbles but makes it to the bathroom, and when he dares to look at himself in the mirror, he regrets it. He sees nothing. He doesn’t see a hero, he doesn’t see someone his family would be proud of, no. He sees an empty boy with bags under jus eyes and he can’t feel connected to him— to his own reflection.

  
  


Michelle is about to ring the doorbell, but Ned stops her as he uses his own key to open the door, and they enter the flat as fast as they can. “Peter?” Ned asks, his voice loud and nervous. He walks towards the bathroom and that’s when he sees him. A small, skinny, shaking body, crying and sitting on the floor with his knees against his chest.

_ You hurt me _ , a voice on his head says,  _ in a very painful way. I shouldn’t care, I shouldn’t be here, you hurt me so so much. _

But at the end of the day, Ned is Ned, Peter is Peter, and their love is so much stronger than they thought.

“Hey, hey, take it easy, okay?” He says as he sits on the floor, levelling with the boy in front of him. Peter looks at him, eyes red and puffed for he has cried so much. Too much. “I’m here. You’re okay. Everything is going to be okay, I promise.”

Peter strongly disagrees as he shakes his head. “N-No, Ned, I- I- I’m  _ so  _ sorry. I…  _ hurt  _ you. I shouldn’t- You shouldn’t be here. I’ll- I’ll hurt you.”

_ You did hurt me. So much. _

But he can’t do anything but hold him- asking if he can touch him first, of course. Peter weakly nods as he practically falls into Ned’s arms, but it’s okay because Ned always catches him.

  
  


“Ned, I’m so sorry…”

He doesn’t answer because at this point, Peter’s not making any sense as he’s almost completely under the effect of painkillers. So Ned just strokes his hair and lets out a smooth “shh”.

“No, I- I really am. I… I promised” Peter cries, and this time, the apology has a totally different meaning to Ned, who instantly looks at the boy with a concerned look on his face.

“Peter, what did you do?” And that makes the teenager let out a few more tears, but no response. “Show me your wrist.”

Ned realizes he was maybe too firm because Peter backs out immediately. He stands up and slowly tries to take it back, the last thing he wants is for Peter to panic once again.

“Peter…” The boy shakes his head - his whole body is shivering again. He encounters the wall and crawls to escape Ned’s hand. He doesn’t stop until he’s almost on the ceiling, and he feels so claustrophobic again.

“I’m s-sorry. I didn’t want to- I swear, Ned. It’s not- I tried but- but- It never stops. I just- I felt so alone because I pushed you away, and MJ and Liz and  _ everyone _ . And then- then- I just couldn’t get rid of it. That feeling. That voice. It just wouldn’t leave me alone so I thought- maybe I shouldn’t keep going. Maybe I  _ am  _ the curse everyone has to deal with. Just like  _ he _ said.” Peter’s voice is small, young, but heavy. He never looks down as he talks, he opens up and lets the thoughts flow. He doesn’t know if he’s being listened, he doesn’t know if Ned’s still there or if he got bored, but he needs to say it all. He needs to get it off his system.

When he’s done talking, the only thing he can hear is his own unsteady breath. He’s holding onto the wall so hard his knuckles whiten and ache, so eventually, he has to get back to the ground.

As he slowly lets himself hang from one hand that’s still sticking to the roof and quietly lands on the floor, he notices his body is still shivering a little, but his breath is a lot calmer than it was minutes ago, and he  _ knows _ he needed to vent - even if no one was listening, even if no one cared, he needed to let it out. It’s right there and then that he realises he’d been keeping it all in for way too long.

He’s on the floor facing the wall and trying to calm down entirely when he hears Ned’s voice once again. The tone as he speaks is soft and comfortable, and Peter let’s out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“I’m not gonna hurt you,” He says, and Peter  _ knows _ . He knows Ned would never hurt him. It was actually the other way around. “I just need to know  _ why _ .”

Peter turns around slowly, his eyes staring at the ground and his hands as fists, nervously hanging beside his trembling body. “I needed to push you away...” He begins, quietly, “Because he got inside my head again.”

Ned sighs. “Did you see him again?”

“No, not really, I just- I found something. A letter, to be more precise. And it  _ hurt _ because he was right… In the letter he said- he said that I was just another  _ freak _ playing a hero and that it would eventually turn against me because I attract bad things…”

“Peter, that’s not-”   
“I know. But what if it is? I mean, for as long as I can remember, I’ve been through so much  _ crap _ \- My mom and dad’s death. My uncle’s death. Flash bullying me for years. And then,” Peter holds his shaky breath for a second before finishing the sentence “ _ Skip _ .”

Ned doesn’t talk because  _ how could he? _ He looks at the boy in front of him, a true hero, the brightest and most caring person he knows, and he  _ feels _ his pain. He wants to take it away, he wants him to stop hurting, but at the end of the day, they’re both only humans.

“You're being unfair to yourself,” He says after a moment, “none of that was your fault. You were a  _ victim _ , Petey. And you've been through a lot, yes. But you've been through good stuff, too… Right?”

Peter looks at him for the first time in a while, and when their gazes lock, he  _ understands _ .

He sees the pain he's put Ned through in the past few months. He sees how intensely he cares about him. He sees how, despite it all, Ned's there.

He nods.

His eyes are studying Ned’s as he comes closer and Peter’s muscles relax when his hugs wrap him in a quiet hug. He buries his face in Ned’s neck and  _ breathes _ .

Several minutes later, they break the hug and just stare at each other for a moment as they're afraid one of them will go away. Eventually, Ned's eyes focus on Peter’s arms.

He takes a step forward and softly takes one of his hands between his own and he rolls up his sleeve, slowly, unwilling to cause any harm. Peter bites his inner cheek. The scars are not deep and Ned can see he's cleaned them well for they don’t show any hints of being infected.

“I'm sorry,” Peter says under his breath. “I promised.”

Ned looks at him with an unreadable expression on his face.

He doesn't say anything, not out loud at least, because Peter already knows. He knows he’s not alone. He knows Ned won't leave his side ever again.

  
  


When Michelle stops hearing voices, she decides to come out of the kitchen and, as she enters the living room, she finds them both cuddling on the couch. She laughs and sighs as she kneels and sees a sleepy Peter under the arms of a completely awake Ned.

“Is he okay?”

Ned looks at her and Peter moves underneath him, eyes closed and breath paced calmly.

“No,” He says, “but he will be.”

“You guys cleared everything up? We’re all cool now?” She asks.

He sighs and looks at the boy with love and concern on his eyes. “Yes. We’re all cool.”

  
  


Getting better, for Peter, is in the little things. Coffee. Buying a book. Reading a comic. Binge-watching Brooklyn 99. Stopping an old lady from getting robbed. Accepting the churro that old lady bought him. Hanging out at the Avengers Compound. Playing video games with Bucky or helping Tony design the new prototype for T’Challa’s suit. Hugging. Laughing. Sleeping. Eating. Crying over a good movie. Studying with Ned. Listening to old music. Sending letters.  _ Breathing _ .

Like so many other teenagers, he’s broken and tired and sometimes all he wants is to cry himself to sleep. But the next day, he wakes up, and he takes a shower and has breakfast and he keeps trying. Giving up is not an option, not only because he’s Spider-Man, but also and mainly because he’s Peter Parker, and he has an aunt and friends and idols and dreams, he’s not replaceable or disposable. He’s important and he’s loved, and he has so many things to do before he dies. He has  _ too much _ to offer.

Peter keeps trying, Peter doesn’t give up no matter how hard he hits the floor, because he knows he’s worth it. He knows that, eventually, it’ll all come to place.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this while feeling anxious a few days ago and I just finished it today. Personally, I wanted to use this one to tell y'all that you're not alone, not now, not ever. You've made it this far, and that's a lot, so you have to know you're strong and important and loved. You have a lot to offer to the world.  
> Peter would want you to breathe.  
> If you ever feel alone, I'm always here.  
> As usual, follow my twitter! (@avastrk) I promise I'm cool <3  
> If you enjoyed this, you're more than welcome to leave kudos and a comment! I love that.  
> Stay safe, I love you all


End file.
